Tweeting our Balls Off

Alright, our twitter is up. We'll be on pace to tweet more often than Kerry Fraser makes the right call.


http://twitter.com/gsportsnetwork

Moving.

Well, the gsn is moving to twitter exclusively. Frankly, with all the high quality hockey blogs out there, we need to find a new niche. Given that I'm prone to emotional outbursts over quality analysis, twitter seems like just what the doctor ordered.

Sincerely,

The Management.

Game 5: A collection of Epic One sentence Summations.

The shit really hit the fan and stunk up the whole room.

A collective train-wreck.

A veritable shipwreck.

etc.

That game sucked on so many levels I can't begin to discuss it. Maybe next year.

Playoffs Update.

Sorry folks, this is going to be a textual message and not a photoshop extravabonanza.

Heading into the playoffs I had buried my optimism about the Flames in a shallow grave in the backyard. Games 1 and 2 did nothing to make me want to exhume said optimism. Losing compelling leads is not something any team can be proud of and neither can a fan.

On an expensive whim, GF and I decided to drag our balls out of the work related vice and head to game 3 in the dome. I have to really give it up to the fans. Calgary has some of the best and most passionate fans (I am sure EDM is not far behind or even a tie). We don't boo the US anthem (we cheer it madly and add some emphasis to a few key words), so eat a bag of dicks MTL fans. We sing our anthem loud and proud. Best of all, an early goal by the hawks didn't even dampen our enthusiasm the damn place was still loud as ever.

GF and I were not sitting together but the text message exchanges were notable (some paraphrasing):

Regarding Bert's obsession with the back hand:
the stick has two sides bert

On the double backhand pass play:
the double back'ander! mossman a goal! It's a prophecy bitches!
LOL. mooooooooose cock!

Needless to say, a game without any discernable rhythym that lead to a win was worth being at. I have extened my playoff game appearance win streak to 5. That's 5-0 people. You want a win, get me tickets, that's all I can say.

GM Burke is Web 2.0 Enabled.

http://twitter.com/brianburke

Wait a fucking minute.

Ok, I have to give props to WI over at hitthepost.ca for this inspiration. Dion Phaneuf was quoted as saying:

“They’ve got a lot of skill up front. A lot of speed coming out of the corners. They threw pucks to the net all night. When you throw pucks to the net, it’s difficult to defend, and they came out on top.”

-dion phaneuf in the flames insider (calgary herald)

You must be kidding me. Skill and the Leafs are mutually exclusive. Kinda like how defensive capability and Dion Phaneuf have failed to co-exist all fucking year.

Literally Seriously serious.

Olli isn't joking around people. Best get serious now.

Win in the Joe against the Wings? CHECK

Obviously

Well, we're not dead, just deadbeats. I'd apologize but that would take away from the substance and grit of the topics that must be discussed. Ponder for a second, if you will, the gravity of this evening's match up. The Devils and the Flames. By name alone this meeting is a match made in the antithesis of heaven which complicates the pressing need for a surface made of frozen water. Bloggers, MSM, and pundits alike should rejoice in the metaphysical feast of information, assumptions, speculation and opinions available with this clash of the titans. It should surpass the recent news from MTL.

Clearly, not posting has been good for my wordsmithery, but before I blow the proverbial load let's get to the business of hockey, the Fames, and their current swing through the east.

Firstly, the last two events have been marred with results in the wrong column after the splashy debut of Ollie and J-Leo. Numerous things spring to mind: Flames don't play afternoon games well, McHeinously is a poor unlucky bastard, Leo forgot which team he was on, everyone is injured, blah blah blah. Envision in your mind a hand-drawn map depicting the current route taken on this road trip (of course this map is tolkien-esque in nature) then the last three games have been in the comforting embrace elvish creatures and things that are decidedly soothing. They should have resulted in wins even if the Flames were replaced by Tim Hortons Timbits. Yet we have lost. The next leg our hardy heroes face takes them through a land easily marked: here be dragons.

I know other top contenders are flopping but it would be nice to capitalize on the 'sand in the gills' the sharks are suffering, or the total economic collapse of Detroit and get a few points closer to these perennial overachievers.

This evening is a challenge for the Flames, one I expect them to win. It will be worth the $15 bucks I am going to shell out for PPV. I am sure they are going to win based on some cold hard math:

Mike Keenan has 665 wins. A win in NJ would put him at 666. Coincidentally, I think that number is important to Devils in general. If only they'd picked Satan up on waivers we'd have a trifecta.

That is all.

What do we call the Flames new #1 line?

My suggestion:

Canadian - Finn - Canadian. The CFC line. They are dangerous in the O-zone!

We are bringing home the cup!!

We are not dead. . . . BUT

This trade deadline is coming close to killing us! More. Soon

Oilers brass can't take a joke

I guess K-Lown and crew are still pretty sensitive about the "debacle of epic proportions". Fan960 put out this joke song and Oilers brass got upset because it uses copyrighted material! Horror of horrors!



They were so butt sore that they whined to Daddy, er.. the NHL who asked Fan960 to take it down. Hey Oilers, if you spent half as much time trying to improve your team as you do whining, you might not be fighting for your playoff lives. Petty.

Warning: Blackouts Expected!

ATCO Electric, EPCOR Inc, and ENMAX Power Corp. are warning customers of the rotating winter power blackouts that are expected to occur on:

• Friday, Jan 30th, 2009
  
• Sunday, Feb 1st, 2009
  
• Tuesday, Feb 3rd, 2009
  
• Wednesday, Feb 11th, 2009
  
• Saturday, Feb 14th, 2009
  
• Monday, Feb 16th, 2009
  
• Saturday, Feb 21st, 2009
  
• Tuesday, Feb 24th, 2009
  
• Thursday Feb 26th, 2009
  
• Saturday, Feb 28th, 2009
  

This is a province wide alert.

The lack of power seems to consistently occur just after 8 pm on Saturday or 7 pm weekdays and is attributed to the excessive power required to run the goal judge light behind the Oilers' net.

Sincerely,

Alberta Ministry of Service

Well Steve, thanks...

... but that was a little close for comfort. I'm not really used to the 4 or more goals against that you are giving up lately.

I won my SV% category for the week, .884 to .883.  Not exactly lofty numbers. Mine was technically .8839 but it rounded up. I did the math Steve. If the Flames had one less shot last night, I would have tied. 2 less shots and I would have lost. So, I'm grateful for overtime. Of course, if you had let in a couple less goals, it would have been a blowout.  You started off so well... Flames had about 21 shots after 1 period and only 1 goal. After that, we got less shots but more goals. That Squid goal, short side... hmmmm. A little iffy.

Nonetheless, it was a pretty ridiculously entertaining game. What with the huge Pardy Crasher hit, the fights, the game misconducts, the cross checks to the head, the throat slash gesture. Just think, the Flames could actually get 3 suspensions out of that game!

And the shootout! In a shootout duel between you and Kipper, I would put my money on you every time. But how about those poke checks? And how about the backhand ROOF DADDY! Sorry, I hate that term, something just came over me.

So, I guess all's well that ends well. I win the pool matchups, Flames win the game, fans win in entertainment, you guys gain a point on Vancouver.  Win-win-win-win. Have a good rest over the break, and I hope you start holding teams to under 2 GA when you get back.

Love,

Gale Force

Dear Steve Mason,

I love you with my whole body, including my pee pee. Thanks for winning gold for Canada last year. You are the reason that I am in first place out of 12 in my pool, despite using my top pick on Martin Brodeur. Dropping Tomas Vokoun and picking you up was the best move I ever made. Your stats are out of this world. First in GAA, first in shutouts, and third in Save % (you were even first there a few days ago). And all this with only having played 29 games. As a 20 year old... goalie! That's pretty sick. When Marty comes back, I will be unstoppable come pool playoff time. For a month now, I've even been predicting that the BJs are going to make the playoffs, solely because of you.

I'm sorry for any times I've doubted you. When San Jose came to Ohio, I didn't play you, expecting the Sharks to light you up. But then you won, in OT! You'll be reassured to know that I'll play you against anyone now, with confidence.

I am a little frustrated with you lately though. 5 goals against vs Vancouver? Come on Steve, Canucks suck. I'm glad you guys pulled out the win in the SO, but seriously, you should have shut them out. It was last night against the Oilers that really hurt. A lead in the third period with under 5 minutes to go? And you guys lose in regulation? Man alive. It's the freaking Oilers. Ales Hemsky legally qualifies as a ballerina dancer. I understand that your defence sucks, and we here at the GSN are all too familiar with how Juice doesn't play defence whatsoever.

Maybe it's because you are "hurt". Seems a little odd to be playing in back-to-backs if you're hurt, no? Well, I like to think you are sticking your nose up at the NHL. It's total BS that you were only named to the Young Stars game. In my world, you should be starting for the West. JS Giguere? 12 wins, 0.905 SV%, 3.04 GAA, 2 shutout JS Giguere? That's a freaking joke and we both know it. So, good on you. Screw the all star game.

I have a small favour to ask. You see, tonight I'll be attending my 5th consecutive Flames home game. But I'm having a mixed week in my pool, thanks to your Canucks and Oilers debacles. I've also been pumping your stock for weeks now to my girlfriend. So I want you to have a decent game, and show her how awesome you are, BUT I want you to lose. Flames really can't lose 3 in a row to teams like PHX, COL and CBJ. That's would be rough. So if you guys could lose something like 2-1, with maybe a 45 save performance, that would be ideal. While I'm tied in wins in the pool this week, I'm counting on Mike Smith to come through for me tonight. (No, that's not a joke... the Lightning have been on a "roll", relatively speaking).

Does that work for you? I'll keep promoting you endlessly and cheering for you guys to make the playoffs. Just don't beat us tonight.

KTHXBYE Steve!

Gale Force

CBJ: Steve Nash is in Town!

Ok, before I get roasted, I know that it's Rick Nash that plays for the CBJs and not Steve Nash. However, for awhile I would stay Steve when I meant Rick in the wrong line of conversation with the fans of the other sport. That preceding sentence is grammatically correct which is nearly paradoxial for this site.

That being said, I feel we owe Steve some gratitude and I found a picture of the guy on skates with a hockey stick.

To the game this evening. Surely the Flames will show up with some intent and the goal of avoiding a 3 game slide. Thing is, after last evening so will the CBJs.

What do the Flames have? Well, Bert is back (I never thought I would be happy about that) and Iggy will be looking to make a difference. I suspect Kipper will be a bit sharper so that will help. Regardless, the BlueJackets are not a team to be taken lightly.

Kent over at FHF has a compelling list of reasons to fear the CBJs Nash, Mason, and the Juice being a few. This will be a goaltending brawl, a defensive brawl, and hopefully a game filled with gorgeous plays. WI got her jersey lettered up so that effect on the mojo remains to be seen.

Flames 2 CBJs 1

Too Nervous for Photoshop: Gravitas

My Mojo is off today. I opened photoshop questing to bring out an image worthy of the epic battle to be pitched in San Jose's Shark Tank. I went to wrestle images but my hand was stayed by the gravity of the situation.

I declare the Flames will win tonight. The battle will be epic, long and perhaps costly. Someone must topple the Sharks from their 'never lost in regulation at home' perch. To anyone who disagrees I say this:

' . . . shut up, don't say another goddamn word. Up until now I have been polite. If you say anything else - one word- I will kill myself. And when my tainted spirit finds it's final destination, I will topple the master of that dark place. From my black throne I will lash together a machine of blood and bone, and fueled by my hatred for you (and the Sharks) this fear engine will bore a hole between this world and that one. And when I find you and I will sing the song that ends the earth . . . it goes something like this . . . .'*

GO FLAMES GO

Thank you for reading. We will resume our regular level of rancor and crappy photo manipulation when the Flames beat the Sharks.

* thanks to penny-arcade for the text. (I hope you like text)

Robbie Schremp: I don't think MacT likes him

There is a decided lull in Flames action as they coast through 4 days off. While I am not a fan of the Oilers they do have one secret weapon that cracks the armor of my Oiler hatred: Craig MacTavish.

MacT is ALWAYS good for a sound bite. He also likes to call it like he sees it which, fortunately for me, leads to a huge pot of comedic gold. For example, he recently had to defend his call up of Ryan Poultry (ed: Potulny) which lead to some genius comments:

"It seems everytime we call someone up I have to defend why it wasn't Robbie"

"Rob isn't helping them down there, why does anyone think he'd help us up here?"

"He's Soft"

"He has a number of things to address in his game before his game is good enough for the NHL"

It is clear that MacT is no fan of Schremp. Could it be as simple as a case of penis envy?

Islanders Visit Calgary: UPDATED!

To ensure victory this evening, the Flames are playing Mikael Backlund. Holy crap that's pants on head crazytalk. Look at those dreamy eyes people he's too pretty to play in the NHL at this point!

So what does this mean for RickD and the Islanders? Well, judging from their league worst performance over the last 15 away games I predict the Flames will burn the island to the ground. Hate to say it, but RickD will be counting down the top 40 worst moments of the 08-09 season in short order.

That being said, anyone who thinks this game is less important than the Sharks game is pants on head retarded (definition). It behooves the Flames to win this game as convincingly as possible if they want the label of 'Elite' team to be branded prominently across their collective asses as opposed to being a mere post-it in the windstorm that is the NHL. NYI could be regarded as a lesser opponent but Elite teams show no mercy and defeat all that stand in their path.

What are you looking at?

Hey everyone, Jarkko Ruutu is enjoying his two days off with his new favorite snack, Andrew Peters Bits-n-Bites!

I'm here all week folks . . .

In all honesty, this is the biggest BS ever. If you stick your mitt in someone's face you accept the risk that they will bite it. Seriously now, Mr. Peters you suffer some EPIC FAILure, would you put your hand in the mouth of a grizzly bear? What result were you expecting? Its not like Ruutu doesn't have a reputation.

Anyhow, Andy put on your big girl pants and play some hockey. It's not like you were bleeding or anything.

Elite Blue Balls

A few things to discuss this morning, Mats and the 'Nucks and the Calgary Flames ascent to 'Elite' Status.

First up: Canucks.
This evening Mats should be in the Vancouver lineup against the Oil as he begins his quest to relieve his Stanley Cup blue balls (as quaintly depicted to the immediate left). Out of all the trophies available even I want to get intimate with Stanley so I understand Mats' needs. Numerous questions dog the Canucks: will Sundin lead them to the most storied chalice in sporting history? Will Lou heal in time to keep the net puck free? Perhaps most important of all, which line will Mats play on?

I have dreams that he's united with the Sedin sisters so I can bust out Ikea references about flat packing the competition and sending them home missing lock nuts. Or spoofing the oh-so-awesome Ikea instruction manuals. Should the swedish mafia be formed, I think they will be efficient. The other option is Welly and Demitra. Despite some conditioning issues Welly is playing well, knows Mats, and Demitra is always a threat. Not as much potential for comedy from a blogging perspective but I'll make do.

Secondly: The Calgary Flames.

Elite status is something I usually associate with airline reward programs or hotel reward programs. I recall the first time I got elite status with Air Canada, I felt I could singlehandedly beat the Detroit Red Wings in a game of shinny. Wait, no I fucking didn't but maybe the Flames win against the Sharks will get them an upgrade on their next flight? Last evening the Flames had a compelling Victory against a strong Sharks team. It was a joy to watch and I can't help but feel that the Flames are really coming together despite the blogosphere's collective criticism. There are always things to nitpick about and yet the Flames are getting points and wins everywhere they can. Perhaps their best is yet to come. For now, I will relish in this victory. Are the Flames Elite? I can't say that for certain but they tuned the Sharks and I loved it.

Sharks-Flames: Predictionalism

The Flames and the sharks are set to do battle this evening. I am predicting a Flames win, one goal, Glencross scores the winner.

This prediction does not echo my true sentiments. The Sharks embarrassed us the last time we met and we're better for it. But the Sharks have continued full steam ahead. By now they are likely that much better. While the Flames have markedly improved this game becomes a measuring stick.

No matter the outcome it will be all good. If we win, we prove we are improving. If we lose, it will lead to some improvement in the team yet to be identified. Kent or Duncan, or WI will have a better factual prediction for you. I just wanted to photoshop Iggy out for blood.

Alexander Semin, I dub thee FishSlap McNoNuts

Fighting has been thrust into the hot white light of debate in recent days. We'll get to that part of the conversation later.

I do believe it is time to discuss the relevance of one Alexander Semin. With notable quotes disparaging Crosby and the NHL (And in Russia people like beautiful hockey, and not dump and chase) one would assume that these firey words can be backed up. Well sir/miss, you would be sadly mistaken.

Russia's prodigal son is likely being disowned by the motherland as you read this because, well, he fights like a bitch. I mean, he slapped Staal. If Semin did that back in Mother Russia his ass would be demoted to a position that required touching warm shit with his bare hands faster than the speed of light.

In short, Miss Semin aka Fishslap, you can beak off all you want but remember your sissiness will make the highlight reels worldwide.